Hi Fellow Buddhists,Sad to say, recently my father passed away. He was 89 and had contracted pneumonia, which unfortunately is often fatal at that age. Although we had a pretty difficult relationship at times, particularly when I was a teenager and in my early 20s, by the time he reached old age I had gained a lot of respect for him, and can honestly say that I genuinely loved and appreciated him.
Basically, my father had fought in the war and was always very much the military man, which meant that discipline and authority were very important to him. Very much a top down approach. As a youngster growing up in the liberal 60's and 70's perhaps it is no wonder that I clashed with him, as indeed did so many other young people of that generation, for the whole value system of the pre-war generation was being challenged, particularly attitudes towards authority, work, money, sex, religion, war and democracy. The hippy movement of the late 60's was probably the most extreme standpoint and their ideas were well formulated by the leading musicians of the time, such as Bob Dylan, the Beatles, Crosby, Stills & Nash, etc.
Also, particularly noticeable at that time was the emergence of a new strain of psychological thinking that actually put the blame for your hang-ups on your parents, such that they became objects of contempt or even targets of outright aggression, rather than being seen for what they really were, imperfect human beings trying to do their best by giving their children the best upbringing they could within the framework of their own experience and value system.
Looking back, I can now see just how unaware and how ungrateful I really was. Growing up in an upper-middle class neighbourhood, going to the best schools, having the best of everything and not wanting for anything were all things I simply took for granted, not apparently requiring any gratitude. In fact, my brother still believes that it is simply one's birthright and nothing more than a parent's duty to do those things. However, life's experience has certainly taught me and I'm sure most others of my generation just how erroneous those views and attitudes are. For example, having now travelled extensively around the world and having seen real poverty I can now see just how lucky I was. In parts of India or Africa, people would literally give arm and a leg to have those kind of opportunities!
So what should we be thankful to our parents for? I think what I'm going to say is obvious and has universal value, but is particularly true in a Buddhist context. In fact, in Buddhism it is said that you can never repay the kindness of your parents. Firstly, there is the simple fact of our biological or physical existence. Our own bodies come directly from the combined genes of our parents. This alone is a factor of a thousand above anything else. A gift you can never repay. But, more importantly, it is all the sacrifice, hard work, dedication and care that goes into bringing up a child that counts highest. It's not just the providing on the physical level but also the transmission of ideas, knowledge and experience, etc. that prepare the child so well for life. Add to this the fact that they unconditionally love you and genuinely care about you, always providing a reference point in an uncaring world.
Of course, there are bad parents, such as those who abuse or neglect their children, but I think they are the minority. There is also, of course, the common practice in many developing countries of having lots of children as an insurance policy for old age, in societies with no social security system. Nevertheless, even in these scenarios, the basics of having given you a body and got you through childhood in a way that you are capable of functioning independently in the world are still there.
I point these things out because so many of us do not really appreciate our parents, particularly if they have had relationship problems with them in youth. So returning to my own father, I can now see how important he was in my whole character development. For example, he always provided a basic model of how to deal with situations and people, and demonstrated clearly his integrity and own values of duty and responsibility. In fact, I think that is what a parent does - provides a model you can start with and then later refine or even replace as you develop and gain experience in life.
Happy Meditation
Robert
