I had the misfortune to lose both my parents recently, and as a result I've been doing a lot of thinking about their roles in one's life, and I don't mean in just bringing one up as a child but also their continuing effect on one as an adult. I think one of the main things I've noticed is that subconsciously a lot of one's goals and achievements are directly related to trying to please one's parents. Deep down inside we all have a psychological need to please our parents and to be approved of by them. Also, we want to please them as a kind of payback for all they did in bringing us up. This could be anything from being successful in one's career to having a family. Either way, one can stand up and say, "Look, mum and dad, I've done you proud!"
This was certainly true of me, as, without knowing it, so much of what I did was to try to impress them, everything from my career and religion through my travel experience to my current marital situation. So how has this affected me now that I've lost both my parents. I must admit I do rather feel I'm in a kind of vacuum. Of course, in my case the timing was particularly awkward in that my wife to be was already pregnant when my mother died. I had hoped to be able to present my mother with her new grandchild. Sadly this is not to be now. I think what the overall situation does is to force you to take full responsibility for your aims and actions. From this point onward you can only motivated by your own conscience and what you consider to right and relevant. There are no longer any other players involved other than your peers.
What does this mean in a Buddhist context? I think for me it means that from here on becomes a true adult and must therefore practice the spiritual path in as an exemplary way as one can. The path is no longer about happy meditation experiences for oneself, which can be quite selfish actually, but properly gearing one's life to the benefit of others. In my case, having a child is a start, but I see taking increasing responsibility in the community as another important way forward. Of course, I should have been doing this already, but it's something like the death off one's parents that really galvanises one. Surely this is the best way to honour their memory.
The picture is the last one I had together with my mother, only a month before she passed away.
